Put, put, put......

Like a car running out of gas. That's how I feel.

Not sure why no one bothered to mention this to me when we talked of having a second baby or even throughout the entire 9 months that I was pregnant with Maddie. Why didn't anyone find it relevant to tell me that having two kids is HARD - really hard? I know people do it all the time and maybe it's come very easy to everyone else but, man, am I having a tough time getting it together. Now don't worry. Everyone over here in Ullsmithland is alive, well-fed, and seemingly happy. That I have managed to do. But, if you know me even a little, you know that's not enough to qualify for my definition of having it "together". My house is forever a mess, the laundry seems to never get done, the vaccuum is sure to be covered in cobwebs, and I AM EXHAUSTED - not tired, EXHAUSTED. I actually thought I was going to be able to do this (and do it well, I might add). I genuinely thought, after a couple of days of settling in, I'd be able to keep my house clean, keep the refridgerator well-stocked, cook dinner almost every night, play with Ana, and take care of Maddie, all while looking fabulous, of course. Ha! It's been so long since I've cleaned the toilets that I literally live in fear of what may be living in them. Milk, Pepsi, eggs, and yogurt describe the contents of our refridgerator. I've cooked once, once, since having Maddie. And a daily (quick) shower has become a luxury rather than a staple. But Ana and Maddie? I've at least been able to manage that part. I keep them clean and fed and they seem very happy (even Maddie in her adorable infant, newborn way) but it, of course, doesn't seem like enough. I'm somehow blessed with enough energy to get through the days (and nights with Miss Maddie) but come early evening I am spent. It's an exhaustion like I've never felt before. Even back in the day when I would stay up until 5 in the morning only to be at work by 7 did I not feel this tired. I'm the "energizer bunny" for God's sake! I never used to get tired! I was always the last one to leave a party and could keep up with the best of 'em.

There have been way to many nights to mention that, as I pray, I throw in a prayer for God to get me through this, to remind me why it's all worth it. And then the next day Maddie gives us her first smile, or Ana repeats the ABC's almost perfectly and I remember that that's what it's all about. I know it won't feel like this forever. I know that once I get our "routine" down I'll wonder what I ever complained about. But until then, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Meltdown Update

Ok, sanity has finally found its way back to me so I figured I should write something "normal" so when Ana reads these pages one day and comes across Tuesday's post she doesn't think I was completely crazy.

Let me just first say that I am one preggo that very much takes offense when people automatically blame any sign of emotion shown by a pregnant woman on hormones. Yes, hormone surges are a very real part of being pregnant but no, they are not to "blame" for every tear, outburst, or meltdown. We are still normal people and sometimes when we get sad or ticked off it's for an actual, valid reason. So please don't shrug it off as "hormones". Realize that's it's probably you!

That said, I'm going to go ahead and blame Tuesday's meltdown on hormones :). After I wrote Tuesday's post I gave myself permission to wallow in my self pity for the rest of the night (silently at that, since I was going to Carie's for dinner, but nevertheless, I was going to wallow). Then my nice friend Sharon came to pick me up and I let it out. I should've known better than to think I could actually keep quite but whatever. As I was talking to her about the way I felt, she said the funniest thing to me - "you need to cut yourself some slack". Sure, they don't sound like the deepest, most meaningful words but for me, on that day, they were. As I said on Tuesday, when Ana grabbed my arm and gave it a squeeze I knew it was God trying to tell me to cut myself some slack. Foolishly, I chose not to listen. So what does He do? He sends me a clearer message.

I started to think about my Ana and all of the cute and wonderful things she does. I thought about how she's been doing the Itsy-Bitsy Spider since she was 6 months old and how she understands EVERYTHING we say to her. I thought about how perfect she's been since she was born and the perfect little person she has become. And then I forced myself to remember that it is because of me, her GOOD mother, that she is who she is. I made myself remember that I quite like her tentative approach to things. Furthermore, that's one of the things that I love most about her - the fact that she likes to take things in before acting on them makes me more comfortable. I said on Tuesday that she doesn't have conversations with us but that's absurd! She's been having conversations with me since she was just a few months old - conversations only her and I could understand but conversations nonetheless. And now, I've realized that I should cherish these last few moments I'll have with our secret language instead of feeling disappointed that they haven't yet made their way into our past.

So it may have taken a little bit but I do know I have to cut myself a little bit of slack. I do know that I am all this little girl needs and I am doing a good job - not just in my eyes but in His too. Ok, ok, I hear You.