Perfection

It's so easy to get wrapped up in the "wrong" and the "if onlys".

I don't think I do very often but surely it happens.

Funny though how much easier it is to look at all the rest, all of the "right".

A husband that has adored me, a home we have created, a spunky 3 year old and an ahead of her years 4 year old. A husband that thanks me for the life I've given him. A 3 year old that dances around singing "I LOVE being a princess" and a 4 year old that has said to me that she's the happiest girl ever.

A sink full of dirty dishes that tell me we have eaten. A messy playroom that tells the stories of two brown-eyed little girls. A car that's beginning to rust from all the trips it's taken. And a face that's beginning to wrinkle so deeply around the mouth from all of the smiles it has shown.

It's perfection.

My perfection.

And I don't ever want to look away.

Tough

Being a mom is tough.

Being surrounded by fits and "no"s and "she hit me"s and "mine"s is tough.

Being mistaken for a jungle gym and getting a finger in the eye or a foot to the cheek almost daily is tough.

Having to keep your cool when your two little wonders decide that doing the exact opposite of what you tell them would be hilarious is tough.

And hearing your two-year-old tell you to leave her alone for the first time is really, really tough.

And then your 3-year-old writes her name all by herself for the first time.

And your 2-year-old goes on the potty for the first time.

And you get to lay in bed with your two little girls reading story after story while they hold hands and the 3-year-old rubs your head and whispers "I'm the happiest girl in the world, Mommy."

Then it becomes a whole lot of easy and you wonder what you were ever complaining about.

Ana Ballerina

I have been waiting for as long as I can remember for the day that I would put a tutu on my little girl and take her to a dance class. Honestly, I've been waiting forever.

So when I got a phone call last Monday letting me know that Ana had been moved from the waiting list for a ballet class to being in the class I was in Heeeaaaavennnnnn! I ran out for a leotard and the stinkin' cutest size 6 ballet slippers I'd ever seen.

I made my way home with outfit in tow and daydreamt of my little Ana and the pirouettes she was sure to master on her very first day. The moment she saw them she immediately put them on. And wore them the rest of the night. And slept in them. I loved it.

In the morning I was met by a very eager 3 year old with slippers in hand asking if it was time for her ballet class yet. AWE-SOME! But wait. Too good to be true, right? Yeah, totally what I thought. So I managed to brace myself for her to completely loathe ballet and never want to put a tutu on again.

Uh, WRONG! She LOVED IT!!!! She was smitten immediately and jumped right in and listened to the teacher's instructions and didn't look for me once and made friends and spoke up and made me cry. Yes, sir. I was the mom I always knew I would be. Cried through the entire 30 minutes. It's not like I was a blubbering mess or anything. I managed to hold it together enough to not get myself kicked out but still, these eyes were-a-cryin'. I cried cuz she seemed so grown up. I cried because she was so independent. And I cried because I saw how happy it made her.

I'm totally aware that this could be short lived, much like her soccer career, but whether it lasts for 2 weeks or 30 years I will cherish every second of it.


I've been waiting for this.

A Perfect Day

All four of us together.

Shopping outside.

Having lunch outside.

Holding hands.

Listening to the girls talk to each other.

Laughing while listening to them crack each other up.

Watching the sheer joy in the girls' face as they splashed in the water.

For the first time in years talking about our dreams for the future.

It was a perfect day.

Preschool

I registered Ana for preschool today.

And I can't really write any more about it cuz, at least right now, it's purty tough to swallow.

Payback

Today at lunch my mom took yet another three opportunities to point out YET AGAIN that what goes around, comes around.

See, ever since our vivacious, super stubborn, high-spirited, animated Miss Maddie came into our lives my mom has just loved to remind me that payback is a bitch (or in her words, "a b-b"). For every time Maddie throws a fit, and with it whatever is in her hand, my mom has some old Spanish saying to throw at me. And with each pout of the lips and throw to the floor Maddie puts out, my mom has a "life lesson" to add - a reminder that this is my payback.

Is it?

Is it "payback" to have a little girl that FILLS UP OUR LIVES? That makes us LAUGH UNTIL OUR BELLIES HURT AND SOMETHING COMES OUT OUR NOSE? Is having a baby that LIGHTS UP A ROOM WITH HER INFECTIOUS LAUGH AND GORGEOUS EYES what's "coming around"? Am I supposed to be feeling some kind of punishment by having a daughter that WON'T LET ANYONE MESS WITH HER? That LAUGHS SO HARD SHE FALLS DOWN? And that KEEPS US ON OUR TOES?

Is this payback? Well, if it is, then I invite you just keep bringing it on, sweet payback because here I am. Arms wide open.

Yep, she's this tough...

And this unbelievably sweet.

My Week

I'm writing it down for sanity's sake....

Mon. - playgroup. Finish recipe books.
Tues. - having friends over for lunch. Go to Hobby Lobby and get the materials for some gifts for Friday.
Tues. night - Marisa's coming to take our pictures!
Wed. - Christmas dinner with my crazy mom friends :). Make gifts for Friday.
Thurs. - get ready for Fri. Get food and activities together. Finalize for Saturday's party.
Fri. - little Christmas party for the girls' bestest friends!
Fri. early evening - watch 3 little ones (plus my little ones) while their mamas do some good for society.
Fri. night - go out with our bff's.
Sat. - throw a birthday party for my mom.
In my free time - raise kids, keep house, make husband happy, and eat...but not bad cuz I'm still on a diet!

Ok, Monday down, the rest of the week to go.

Sigh...

I'll be honest. It's been a rough few months. A rough year if we're going there (which I'm not). But today I felt really happy for the first time in a long time. Like, genuinely happy. That kind of happy that comes from the inside out. It seeped through my skin and I left it all over my kitchen floor.

This little family that I get to call my own, this saving grace of mine, is the only thing capable of making me this happy.

As I was cooking dinner and the girls shared a chair in the middle of the kitchen, Ana asked me to put on her "party music" (the Fiesta CD from her birthday). I put it on and instantly Miss Maddie began her bootlicious shake. Ana followed with her little girl bounce and soon Mommy and Daddy joined in. So there we were. The four of us - two in pajamas, one in work clothes, and the other in a sundress (don't ask) - breakin' it down. Taking turns dancing with each other and then dancing all together. It was something out of a movie. I wanted to grab my camera and capture it but decided instead to just live it. I danced and laughed with the loves of my life. In that moment I was reminded just how lucky we are. How ridiculously blessed we are.

Our life isn't perfect. It's as far from it right now as I can remember. But it's funny how in the midst of trying times and hardships, God never fails to show His grace. In the eyes of my sweet toddler. In the laugh of my baby. In the simplest things. He humbles me with the unconditional love of these girls and reminds me that even when I feel as though I'm failing I am everything to them - everything they want and everything they need. How lucky I am to have children I am blissfully in love with. How lucky I am to have children I get to hug and kiss and care for. How lucky I am to, even for a moment, be able to sigh and just know I have everything I need.

It was over as quickly as it began...

9/09/08 - Ana's first soccer practice. She LOVES it. She kicks the ball, runs around, warms up, even plays a practice game with her team. Soccer is her sport. Mommy and Daddy beam with pride and look forward to a promising season.



9/16/08 - Auntie Carie and Baby Wyatt come to see Ana play. She refuses to go out onto the field. Doesn't go out even once. She's suddenly afraid of everything - her coach, her teammates, the ball, the other team. Mommy and Daddy's dreams of a future soccer star are slowly fading.


9/23/08 - Ana gets out onto the field! But she insists on holding her coach's hand at all times. Maybe soccer's not her sport. At least not for now anyway.

I don't know what the right thing to do here is. Do we let her give up and quit? Or do we force her to do something she's so obviously not into? Ugh. Mamahood is tough.

Slowin' Down

I can admit that I've been letting myself get overwhelmed these last few months with everything under the sun and today I let myself slow down.

I let my sweet girls play in the bath while I watched them and reveled in their giggles. I brushed their hair and teeth, lotioned those little legs and arms, and searched through loads of clean laundry to find the coveted Little Mermaid pajamas. And for this I was rewarded. These sweet girls let me rock them both (together) for all of five whole songs - the same five songs I sang to them each when they were infants as I'd nurse them, stare at them, and take in their sweet baby smell. Ana, snuggled up on my chest with her long legs wrapped around my waist. Maddie, not quite as calm but still affording me a snuggle here and there. As I sang to my babies and turned my head from one to the other taking in their yumminess, I felt myself slow down for the first time in months.

There's nothing in this world quite like your own little girls' fresh-out-of-a-bath baby smell. And I'll (shamefully) admit I don't take it in quite as often as I should, quite as often as we all deserve. Maddie's inability to sit still and Ana's long, long legs took me to the days when I could fit them in the nook of my chest. Some days it feels like a lifetime ago but today it felt like it was just yesterday. And so I'm forced to remember something none of us should ever forget - that these days won't be here forever and I owe it to myself, I owe it to my girls, to just slow down.

Peace

I sat the girls in front of the TV just to get a moment of peace. Not that they never watch TV but I've never purposely put them there to get a break from them. To have some quiet. Without having something to get done. Yep, no Mom of the Year award for me today. Sigh....

Pre-school? Really???

Not sure where this came from but it's just hit me, right at this exact moment, that my first baby will be three in just over three months and I'm going to have to start thinking about pre-school. PRE-SCHOOL. My baby. In school? So now I can't stop crying....

The Toughest Job

I have a confession.  

There are a lot of days that I feel like I'm ripping my husband off.  Days when I see him as the one that got the raw end of this deal - you know, the you-go-to-work-while-I-stay-home-to-raise-our-kids deal.  There are those days that, as the girls lie both asleep, I kick my feet up on the couch and catch up on some TV and emails or even (gasp!) nap.  On these very days I almost feel guilty that he's off workin' his little tail off driving around in a big ol' truck while I get to wake up as late as 8:30 sometimes, go to pajama breakfasts, and shop with my perfect little princesses.  I do.  I'll admit.  I feel like I definitely got the better end of this life.  And then there are all of those other days....

Days like yesterday.  Days that burst with seemingly endless toddler whines and too many poopy diapers to count.  I could write about my entire day but I'd really rather forget it.  In fact, I fully think I need to forget it to keep hope alive for tomorrow.  Instead though, I'll share the 2 tiny minutes that really summed it up.

7:05 pm - put Maddie to bed

7:05 and 2 seconds - Maddie SCREAMS like someone just told her there would be no more milk....EVER.

7:05 and 10 seconds - I rush t0 Ana who incidentally happens to be calling for me very LOUDLY.  

7:05 and 30 seconds - I try to quiet Ana all the while still listening to Maddie's cries.

7:06 - Maddie's still crying.  I manage to quickly put Ana's pajamas on and put her to bed so I can get back to Maddie.

7:06 and 30 seconds - Sigh.  Maddie's stopped crying.

7:07 - Walking toward her bed Ana trips, hits her head on the bed rail, lets out an enormous cry that seemed to last forever, and.....yep........Maddie begins to scream once again.  Two screaming babies.  At once.  On opposite sides of the house.

It's during these two very exciting minutes that I dreamt of sitting in an office working.  Heck, I could've dreamt of sitting behind the wheel of a truck for all I cared.  It's during days like this that I remember why they say that being a mom is the toughest job you will ever have.  So move over, my beloved truck driver, and save the complaints of your day for someone else because you've got nothing on me - at least not tonight you don't.

6 Months

My sweet Madelyn,

6 months ago I didn't know how to be the mother of two.
6 months ago I worried how your sister would take to you.
6 months ago I didn't realize how much my life was about to change.
6 months ago I would never have been able to nurse a baby and prepare breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a toddler...at the same time.
6 months ago I learned what it meant to grow another heart.
6 months ago I thanked God for the miracle that is you.
6 months ago you were born into a life of love and have given me more than I imagined possible. Whether you had been my first, second, or fifth baby I love you as though I had never done this before. Know that.

Love,
Mommy

A Lesson in Drama

Friday night I came down with a stomach "thing" and felt like the world was ending. It carried over into Saturday and I spent the morning in bed and the rest of the day on the couch. As Anthony took care of the house, our meals, the girls, and sickly ol' me, I felt the need to continuously proclaim that I wasn't trying to be dramatic I just felt that bad.

Skip to Sunday....

Anthony woke up with said stomach "thing". He spent the entire day much like I had spent my day before and doused it with endless "I don't feeeel good"s and very weak-sounding "Can I have ____?"s.

Now on to this morning....

5:30 am. Ana wakes up calling for me. Unusual but she sounded ok. I grabbed her and brought her back to bed with me. 15 minutes later, that "thing" was sure to have gotten her too. She began to throw up (in our bed nonetheless) so I rushed her to the bathroom where we COMPLETELY missed the toilet. I began to prepare myself for a very sick and crabby girl. But instead? Instead, almost instantly after throwing up, she began to clap her little hands and yell "Clean up! I need to clean up! hehehehehe! Mommy cleaning! Wash my hands, Mommy!"

And this is the last I've heard of Ana's stomach "thing". I'd say Mommy and Daddy stand to learn a thing or two about dramatics from this little girl, wouldn't you? :)

*Update: Tuesday night brought us a very sick Maddie. It was very obviously the same "thing". But, just like her sister, she showed Mommy and Daddy up. In between throwing up we were graced with nothing but baby talk and giggles. We seriously need to rethink our pain threshold.

Guilt

I came to accept a while back that guilt will perhaps always be a part of being a mom - for me anyway. While my confidence as the mom of my two little ladies grows each day, I will inevitably always wonder whether I did this good enough or whether I did that the way I should have. I get that. It's ok and I'll deal with each pang of guilt as it arrives. But today, today is different. Today I sit here a very guilt-ridden mommy.

I have officially stopped nursing my Maddie. Completely not my choice but it's happened nevertheless. Just over a month ago she began to get very fussy at most feedings, so fussy that she refused to stay on long enough for the milk to come. It became a vicious circle. She would latch on but get impatient when the milk wasn't coming and end up unlatched and very upset. The more she unlatched, the longer it would take for her to get her milk. The longer it would take, the more upset she would get. The more upset she would get, the more impatient she became. And so on, and so on, and so on.....

It was out of sheer desperation that I began giving her a bottle whenever this would happen. I knew enough to know this would affect my supply so I bought a supplement system. She hated it. I held on to 4 nursings for a few weeks but that fell to 3, then to 2, and eventually to just one. Then, our once very efficient morning nursing wasn't giving her enough. So it's all bottle now. And I feel awful about it. Did I give up too soon? Is there more I could have done to prolong nursing her?

I can honestly say I always try to do what's best for my girls and this, especially, was no exception. But that doesn't ease the guilt in thinking it may have been my mistakes that made this happen. It may have been my impatience that led us to this.

Like any mother, I want the absolute best for my baby and the knowledge that now she won't be getting it is tearing me up.

A Week of Firsts

• Maddie's first public meltdown
• Ana's first annoying favorite word - "FINE!!!!"
• First time I've been so irresponsible that I would actually let my truck run out of gas with one of my girls with me
• First time Ana put me on Time-Out and repremanded me
• First time I've had to take care of THREE cranky babies (Anthony being, quite possibly, the biggest baby of all)
• First time Maddie waved hi (whether it was on purpose or not I'm not sure but let's say it was)
• First time Ana has walked into a house of kids she didn't really know and didn't act shy for one second but instead became instant friends with them
• First time Maddie and Ana laughed together so hard I almost cried

But the biggest First of all...

• First time I have felt like SuperMom as I cleaned, cooked, changed diapers, bathed, soothed, doctored, hugged, kissed, and kept very happy my three perfect angels :)

Who puts cashmere on a baby?

I do.

And I buy my kids too many shoes. I don't like to let them repeat outfits too often. I will rarely wake either of them from a nap even if we do end up being late to almost everywhere we go these days. Ana doesn't usually watch TV but there are days that I have to get things done so I've let her watch for up to an hour and a half straight. I've dozed off again after hearing both of them awake in the morning when it was just too early and I just didn't feel like getting out of bed. I've pretended to make something from scratch for dinner when really I bought it completely cooked. I've spent too much money of stuff we don't need. I'll let the laundry pile up for waaaay longer than you can imagine and Anthony's had to run out for milk at night more times than I can remember because I forgot to buy it....again. I spend way too much time trying to get things done that, at the end of the day, not much actually gets done and I've gone weeks (yep, weeks) without making a home-cooked meal.

There you have it. My guilty secrets. The crazy, unpractical, unreasonable things I've done. I've spent a lot of time feeling bad about them until I realized this. My husband's happy, my little girls are amazing, and I can't think of anything more I could possibly ask for. Secrets? Maybe. Guilty? Not anymore.

The night that changed my life...well, kind of

It's funny that since becoming a mom almost 2 years ago I've never really felt like a mom. I mean, I have in the way I love my kids and take care of them, but never in the sense of being grown up and responsible enough to have actual children. Anthony and I often exchange disbeliefs of the fact that we're parents. Parents. Us. I usually feel like I can't possibly be old enough to have two little girls because I still feel like such a little girl myself. I get lost in this disillusion that I'm still the same girl I was 10 years ago with cute shoes and size 7 jeans. I can logically comprehend the fact that I'm not that girl but I enjoy my disillusion. I enjoy living in a world where I think, at least once in a while, I'm still that carefree, irresponsible, up-for-anything girl.

Enter the dream crusher. Saturday night. You know, the same Saturday night that used to be occupied with drinks and dancing that didn't even begin until after 10 pm. The same Saturday night that was literally NEVER spent at home. This past Saturday night was a dose of reality like I'd yet to experience. More sobering than changing my babies diapers or nursing around the clock. Saturday night I became a mom in a way I wasn't before. This was the Saturday night that I spent where only a mom could. Yep, I spent it grocery shopping.

I'd love to say this was a quick trip to pick up some milk but it wasn't. It was a full out grocery-list-in-hand kind of trip. The store was of course nearly empty, except for, you guessed it, other moms. I did spot a "young" (probably my age) couple but before I could even finish thinking "see? this isn't so bad" I realized they were just picking up some drinks and probably on their way to some cool party. I cruised the aisles marking off items from my list and ran into mom after mom, each with their trusty lists in hand. By the end of the trip I felt about 30 years older. This is what it's come to, huh? This is what moms do on a Saturday night. Hm. I guess this is what I do now on a Saturday night.

So as I handed over my coupons and paid for our groceries it hit me - I am, in every sense, a mom and a housewife. Bad? Not at all. But I do think, for my own self preservation, I'll be returning to my Tuesday afternoon trips to the Jewel and taking back my completely insane disillusions. I'm just not quite ready to give up my old self entirely. So even if it's only in my head I will continue, every once in a while, to be carefree and free of responsibility. That is, of course, until I get home.

I'm back!

Ok, it's been almost a month since I've written anything on here and so much has happened that I think it would be virtually impossible to catch up. So here are some bullets of the big events of the last 4 weeks or so:

Anthony update....

• He had the nerve to get mad at me for going shopping by myself for 4 hours when he was called off of work one day. "I feel like you take it as a free day when I get called off of work" he says. Oh yes he did. Never mind the fact that I was shopping for the girls and him and bought not a single item for myself. And since when are 4 hours considered an entire day??? Trust me, honey, if I'm out to "steal" a free day for myself I will lovingly remind you how long an entire day really is. Not to worry though. 7 looooong hours later he realized what a fool he sounded like and apologized :).

Ana update....

• Our big girl has been counting to ten (and sometimes 13) unassisted for weeks now
• She knows all of her colors and shapes
• She's talking up a storm (a continuous, seemingly endless storm at that)
• She is IN LOVE with her little sister

Maddie update.....

• She's rolling over from back to belly! Yay!!!
• She's talking that sweet, sweet baby talk
• She's laughing and smiling and breaking Mommy's heart with how fast she's growing

Ok, these were the big ones and I'm getting back on track. See, the thing is that I'm one of those horrible people that loses complete track of time when I sit down to do something. There is no "I'll do this for 45 minutes and that's it" for me. So while I was sitting here blogging the dishes were piling up and the dust was gathering on the furniture. So now, a month later, the dishes are finally done (yeah right) and I've found a moment to sit here. But that moment's up so I gotta go update the girls' website now!