Who puts cashmere on a baby?

I do.

And I buy my kids too many shoes. I don't like to let them repeat outfits too often. I will rarely wake either of them from a nap even if we do end up being late to almost everywhere we go these days. Ana doesn't usually watch TV but there are days that I have to get things done so I've let her watch for up to an hour and a half straight. I've dozed off again after hearing both of them awake in the morning when it was just too early and I just didn't feel like getting out of bed. I've pretended to make something from scratch for dinner when really I bought it completely cooked. I've spent too much money of stuff we don't need. I'll let the laundry pile up for waaaay longer than you can imagine and Anthony's had to run out for milk at night more times than I can remember because I forgot to buy it....again. I spend way too much time trying to get things done that, at the end of the day, not much actually gets done and I've gone weeks (yep, weeks) without making a home-cooked meal.

There you have it. My guilty secrets. The crazy, unpractical, unreasonable things I've done. I've spent a lot of time feeling bad about them until I realized this. My husband's happy, my little girls are amazing, and I can't think of anything more I could possibly ask for. Secrets? Maybe. Guilty? Not anymore.

2 years ago today...

We brought you home from the hospital, Miss Ana. Ok. So I'll admit I used this title to somehow imply that I intended to wait until 3 days after your birthday to write you your birthday letter. Truth is, I've been writing it in my head for months but you and your little sister keep Mommy pretty busy.

So here we are. You're two. But I look at you and you're still a baby to me. I always say that kids are still babies until they turn two but now that we're here I'm taking that back. I assume in some sense you'll always be a baby to me but I look at you and you're such a little peanut that it doesn't feel right to call you a big girl just yet. Of course I constantly tell you you're my big girl and you love that but inside I still see you as that little babe I brought home 2 years (and 3 days) ago.

I have to admit though that as much as I'd love for you to stay a baby forever you'd like nothing more than to grow, grow, grow. In fact, you decided about 4 months ago to start moving at warp speed. You've always been a quick learner from early on but when you hit 20 months it was like some gates opened and you just couldn't wait to show us everything you knew. For months you've been counting to 10 (sometimes 13) in english and spanish and you can sing most of your abc's. You recognize pretty much all of your letters but can't get through the entire song without cracking up (we'll get to that in a minute). You know all of your shapes and colors and have really taken to singing songs on your own lately. "Tinkle Tar" and "Happy Buhday to You" are recent faves. You're bff apparently is Dora the Explorer and you even sing along to her songs now. I swear if I'd let you you'd watch her all day but one show a day is all the time you usually get to spend together, if that. You love your books and insist that your bear book be read to you before naps and at bedtime no questions asked. Every couple of days you'll adopt a new favorite (Snow White is your latest) but the bear book must be read as well. I'd love to say you have a favorite toy but you seem to love anything you can get your hands on. One of my favorites though is watching you play with your blocks and build towers as you count them. But what you love even more is knocking those towers down while yelling "Ha-ya!". Hilarious.

You surprised me a couple months ago by telling me when you had to go potty. I thought for sure it would be a while when suddenly you felt you were ready. You're taking it easy with the potty training but it's coming along nonetheless. I'm letting you do it at your own pace for now and you seem to be doing just fine. I'm guessing in the next month we'll be taking it up a notch but you may have other plans so we'll see.

So that's what you've been doing. Now for what you're like. My sweet Ana, you are so much more than I would've ever known to ask God for. The sweetest girl with an independent streak that blows me away. You love doing things for yourself but never ever shy away from asking for help after you've tried it on your own. One of your first sentences was "I try" and boy, do you. You will try pretty much anything. From going down a waterslide to eating anything new I put on your plate. You're so tough that 99% of the time you fall or hurt yourself you just dust yourself off and reply "I'm fine" when I ask if you're ok. You say bless you when anyone sneezes or coughs and please and thank you come pretty much unsolicited now. In fact, when I give you something you often say "thank you, mommy, thank you". Hands down, you are the most polite 2 year old I have ever known. Yes you throw your tantrums but they've never lasted longer that a minute (literally). Even when you get overtired you turn into a goof well before you get cranky. And you can get a bit possessive of your toys from time to time but only with Maddie, and even then it's only until I tell you to share.

You're a cuddler but Maddie's the keeper of most of your hugs and kisses. At least 50 times a day I find you going to her only to give her a kiss on the cheek or her head and slipping in a little squeeze. You have become such a good sister, Ana, that it makes my heart ache. After a bumpy start you have come to love Maddie more than anything. You're so gentle with her and are constantly asking where she is if you can't see her. But luckily for us she doesn't get all of your affections. Everyday you greet Daddy at the door with an enormous "Daddy's home! Daddy, I miiiiiiissssed you!" and you have a little conversation about what you did that day and when you're done talking you politely tell him to "Shower Daddy. You're tinky". You tell us you love us all the time but telling us you missed us is one of your favorite things and I swear I pray it never ends. I check the mail and return to "Mommy, I miiiissssed you!" You take a nap and when I come get you I'm greeted with a huge hug and, of course, "Mommy, I missed you!" If ever I wonder if I'm doing ok you reassure me with that. I often wonder how it's possible for you to be this good of a girl but you are. You just are.

And can we talk about that sense of humor? You're two and you can take a joke like no other. You NEVER get upset when anyone messes with you. Never. In fact, you find it quite funny when someone teases you or takes stuff away from you trying to see if you'll get upset. Everything is funny to you. We've already spent more moments than I can remember in your bed laughing about nothing. You giggle and it makes me laugh. I laugh and that makes you laugh harder. Before I know it, there we are cracking up. You even laugh when I play "I'm gonna getcha" with Maddie and we're nowhere near you! Your goofy sense is one of things that makes us love you most. You make Daddy and I laugh every single day whether or not you're even around. You're all about the dance now and the other day as you were dancing you just had to stop to tell Daddy "Oooooh, I like this song!". Oh, and you're soooooo expressive lately. You don't want anything anymore, you need everything. "I need oatmeal! I need down! I need Dora!" But yes, when asked, they are follow by a "peeesse!"

I love that you laugh at everything. I love how you love your sister. I love your strong-willed "no's" when you don't want to do something. Where did you come from, my sweet girl? And how did we get so lucky to become the parents of you - sweet, wonderful you? You have given us more in 2 short years than we dreamed for a lifetime and we thank you.

Happy 2nd birthday beautiful girl. I love you.

~Mommy

Maddie Milestones

3 days ago - I guess she's decided she's had enough of sitting around listening to everyone else talk. She's sooo loud now! Not always, but here and there (when she wants/needs to be heard) she busts out in the loudest baby talk I've ever heard. I think we've got another talker on our hands so please pray for Anthony. He's going to need it :).

This morning - Her first, full-out belly laugh. She's been giggling for months but this morning as I was playing with her she began her first real chuckle and boy is it one of the sweetest sounds I've heard in a while.

Why I REALLY need to workout....

Ana and I were playing this morning. I rolled on top of her and she started yelling "Too heavy, Mommy! You're too heavy!!!!".

Ugh. Story of my life these days, baby. Story of my life.

30

I turned 30 almost 6 months ago and it was admittedly harder than I thought it would be. So here I am, nearly half way through my 31st year and finally getting around to writing about it. I saw this idea and thought it was brilliant. Boy, if I knew then what I know now

Dear 20 year old self,
This summer with your friends that will forever be known as "the condo days" will be some of the best days of your life. Cherish them because you'll look back and miss them.

Carie, Kristie, and Dana will become your best friends. They'll stand by you as you get married and be there when you have your babies. Take care of these friendships because you'll need them.

You fight with Anthony way too much. Stop being so insecure and trust that he really is that genuine. He loves you like no one else can and he's not going anywhere.

You're not fat. You think you are but you're smaller than you'll ever be. You'll miss being this size, trust me. But rethink the "fuller eyebrows". They're not really coming back.

Go to therapy.

Love,
30

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Dear 21 year old self,

Stop using other people to validate yourself. What other people think of you does not make you who you are. You're smart but you're making stupid decisions. You're eating too much and partying too often.

Get in school and stay there. Not doing so will be one of your biggest regrets. You think you make enough money because you're making more than your friends are but they're still in school. You will NOT feel this way later.

Take care of Anthony. Going out is not more important than him and you'll live to regret hurting him. Realize that he's your one constant and you need him.

Go to therapy.

Love,

30

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Dear 22 year old self,

DON'T GO TO ROBERT MORRIS! It's going to be a $12,000 mistake that you'll be paying for for years.

Go to therapy.

Love,

30

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Dear 23 year old self,

Pay your bills. Listen to your mother when she preaches about the importance of good credit. It's easier to do it now than it will be to fix it later.

Whatever you're fighting with Carie about is stupid and not worth it. Call her. She's your oldest friend and will be your firstborn's Godmother. You need her in your life.

Stop being so dramatic with Anthony. He's the one. You know this. Quit trying to push him away and let him in. He won't hurt you. HE WON'T HURT YOU.

Don't be nervous about seeing your dad. You need this and, in 5 years you'll now why.

Get in school and go to therapy. Seriously.

Love,

30

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Dear 24 year old self,

You know in your heart of hearts that Anthony's the one so stop second-guessing yourself. Trust your heart. He got a better job so that he could marry you. Love him for that.

Don't move in with your brothers. Accept that you can't live together and it's just going to tear you apart. Sometimes saving money is not the most important thing.

Go to therapy.

Love,

30

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Dear 25 year old self,

You are going to be a good wife. Don't be so hard on yourself. Anthony loves you unconditionally and marrying him is the right thing to do. Stop being afraid that you'll disappoint him. You won't. You will make him happy. You will make a home for him that he'll love to come home to and give him beautiful daughters. He loves you and YOU DESERVE HIM.

Make Carie a maid of honor. Who cares what people will think [that you'll have three]. You'll be hers and she should be yours.

Stop fighting with your brother. You're pushing him away and it will break your heart to not have him in your life. You will miss him something fierce.

Talk to your mom. Even if she doesn't listen, talk to her for your own sake.

Your aunts are there for you and you need to reach out to them. This is a pivotal point in your life and you need people like them.

Your wedding will be perfect. It'll be your perfect day so don't let anyone make you cry. Don't get so upset when Anthony accidentally sees you before the wedding. It won't be bad luck. I promise. And make sure you grab your "something blue" from the hotel room :).

3 sessions of therapy are enough. They'll be enough to open up wounds and help you deal with your past. It's not your fault and you'll soon realize it. This is where it begins to get better.

Love,

30

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Dear 26 year old self,

You're rockin' it at school. Stop feeling guilty about not having done it before and be proud that you're doing it now. You're doing an awesome job.

Love,

30

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Dear 27 year old self,

Stop punishing Anthony for what you think he did. He didn't do it. He's still the person that will never hurt you and hurting him will not make you feel better. He is all you need.

Be proud of the incredible job you're doing to prepare for a baby. Getting in shape will help you have a wonderfully healthy pregnancy. Don't stress about getting pregnant. It'll happen because it is God's will. You know this.

Take a good look at your body (especially your boobs) and be happy with it because it will never be the same again.

Love,

30

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Dear 28 year old self,

Congratulations! You'll finally finish school. Quit beating yourself up about not having done it sooner and bask in your enormous accomplishment. You'll go to school 5 days a week, work 50 hour weeks, and do it all while you're pregnant. Get your mom's words from 10 years ago out of your head. You ARE something to be proud of.

Banish the fear that you won't be a good mother. Those nightmares aren't real and you are cut out for this. You have more in you than you know and this baby will adore you. You think you want a boy but you will LOVE having a girl. You'll never have all the answers and that's perfectly ok. She's perfect and she loves you. That is ALL that matters.

Pay off your bills because this will be your last year as a two-income family. Spend your money on important things and keep that promise to never go into debt. You'll thank me later.

It's ok that you won't see your dad again before he dies. He knows you forgive him and that you love him. He knows.

Love,

30

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Dear 29 year old self,

Quitting your job is the right thing to do. You'll miss the extra money but that won't compare to the time you'll get to spend with your baby.

You're a good wife. You keep a good home for Anthony and your little girl. He's happy so quit worrying about not measuring up to his expectations. Believe him when he tells you you've exceeded them. He means it.

You're a good mother. Stop being so critical and realize that she's perfect and that her not gaining weight is not your fault. Quit crying about it and be strong. Comparing yourself to everyone else isn't only stupid, it's unfair. Breastfeeding for only 7 months doesn't make you a failure, it makes you a champ. Quit crying. You're doing a good job.

Pay the extra money for an apartment while you're house is being finished. Your marriage will thank you for it.

Love,

30

The night that changed my life...well, kind of

It's funny that since becoming a mom almost 2 years ago I've never really felt like a mom. I mean, I have in the way I love my kids and take care of them, but never in the sense of being grown up and responsible enough to have actual children. Anthony and I often exchange disbeliefs of the fact that we're parents. Parents. Us. I usually feel like I can't possibly be old enough to have two little girls because I still feel like such a little girl myself. I get lost in this disillusion that I'm still the same girl I was 10 years ago with cute shoes and size 7 jeans. I can logically comprehend the fact that I'm not that girl but I enjoy my disillusion. I enjoy living in a world where I think, at least once in a while, I'm still that carefree, irresponsible, up-for-anything girl.

Enter the dream crusher. Saturday night. You know, the same Saturday night that used to be occupied with drinks and dancing that didn't even begin until after 10 pm. The same Saturday night that was literally NEVER spent at home. This past Saturday night was a dose of reality like I'd yet to experience. More sobering than changing my babies diapers or nursing around the clock. Saturday night I became a mom in a way I wasn't before. This was the Saturday night that I spent where only a mom could. Yep, I spent it grocery shopping.

I'd love to say this was a quick trip to pick up some milk but it wasn't. It was a full out grocery-list-in-hand kind of trip. The store was of course nearly empty, except for, you guessed it, other moms. I did spot a "young" (probably my age) couple but before I could even finish thinking "see? this isn't so bad" I realized they were just picking up some drinks and probably on their way to some cool party. I cruised the aisles marking off items from my list and ran into mom after mom, each with their trusty lists in hand. By the end of the trip I felt about 30 years older. This is what it's come to, huh? This is what moms do on a Saturday night. Hm. I guess this is what I do now on a Saturday night.

So as I handed over my coupons and paid for our groceries it hit me - I am, in every sense, a mom and a housewife. Bad? Not at all. But I do think, for my own self preservation, I'll be returning to my Tuesday afternoon trips to the Jewel and taking back my completely insane disillusions. I'm just not quite ready to give up my old self entirely. So even if it's only in my head I will continue, every once in a while, to be carefree and free of responsibility. That is, of course, until I get home.

I'm back!

Ok, it's been almost a month since I've written anything on here and so much has happened that I think it would be virtually impossible to catch up. So here are some bullets of the big events of the last 4 weeks or so:

Anthony update....

• He had the nerve to get mad at me for going shopping by myself for 4 hours when he was called off of work one day. "I feel like you take it as a free day when I get called off of work" he says. Oh yes he did. Never mind the fact that I was shopping for the girls and him and bought not a single item for myself. And since when are 4 hours considered an entire day??? Trust me, honey, if I'm out to "steal" a free day for myself I will lovingly remind you how long an entire day really is. Not to worry though. 7 looooong hours later he realized what a fool he sounded like and apologized :).

Ana update....

• Our big girl has been counting to ten (and sometimes 13) unassisted for weeks now
• She knows all of her colors and shapes
• She's talking up a storm (a continuous, seemingly endless storm at that)
• She is IN LOVE with her little sister

Maddie update.....

• She's rolling over from back to belly! Yay!!!
• She's talking that sweet, sweet baby talk
• She's laughing and smiling and breaking Mommy's heart with how fast she's growing

Ok, these were the big ones and I'm getting back on track. See, the thing is that I'm one of those horrible people that loses complete track of time when I sit down to do something. There is no "I'll do this for 45 minutes and that's it" for me. So while I was sitting here blogging the dishes were piling up and the dust was gathering on the furniture. So now, a month later, the dishes are finally done (yeah right) and I've found a moment to sit here. But that moment's up so I gotta go update the girls' website now!