Thursday, April 19, 2007

Meltdown Update

Ok, sanity has finally found its way back to me so I figured I should write something "normal" so when Ana reads these pages one day and comes across Tuesday's post she doesn't think I was completely crazy.

Let me just first say that I am one preggo that very much takes offense when people automatically blame any sign of emotion shown by a pregnant woman on hormones. Yes, hormone surges are a very real part of being pregnant but no, they are not to "blame" for every tear, outburst, or meltdown. We are still normal people and sometimes when we get sad or ticked off it's for an actual, valid reason. So please don't shrug it off as "hormones". Realize that's it's probably you!

That said, I'm going to go ahead and blame Tuesday's meltdown on hormones :). After I wrote Tuesday's post I gave myself permission to wallow in my self pity for the rest of the night (silently at that, since I was going to Carie's for dinner, but nevertheless, I was going to wallow). Then my nice friend Sharon came to pick me up and I let it out. I should've known better than to think I could actually keep quite but whatever. As I was talking to her about the way I felt, she said the funniest thing to me - "you need to cut yourself some slack". Sure, they don't sound like the deepest, most meaningful words but for me, on that day, they were. As I said on Tuesday, when Ana grabbed my arm and gave it a squeeze I knew it was God trying to tell me to cut myself some slack. Foolishly, I chose not to listen. So what does He do? He sends me a clearer message.

I started to think about my Ana and all of the cute and wonderful things she does. I thought about how she's been doing the Itsy-Bitsy Spider since she was 6 months old and how she understands EVERYTHING we say to her. I thought about how perfect she's been since she was born and the perfect little person she has become. And then I forced myself to remember that it is because of me, her GOOD mother, that she is who she is. I made myself remember that I quite like her tentative approach to things. Furthermore, that's one of the things that I love most about her - the fact that she likes to take things in before acting on them makes me more comfortable. I said on Tuesday that she doesn't have conversations with us but that's absurd! She's been having conversations with me since she was just a few months old - conversations only her and I could understand but conversations nonetheless. And now, I've realized that I should cherish these last few moments I'll have with our secret language instead of feeling disappointed that they haven't yet made their way into our past.

So it may have taken a little bit but I do know I have to cut myself a little bit of slack. I do know that I am all this little girl needs and I am doing a good job - not just in my eyes but in His too. Ok, ok, I hear You.

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