Like a car running out of gas. That's how I feel.
Not sure why no one bothered to mention this to me when we talked of having a second baby or even throughout the entire 9 months that I was pregnant with Maddie. Why didn't anyone find it relevant to tell me that having two kids is HARD - really hard? I know people do it all the time and maybe it's come very easy to everyone else but, man, am I having a tough time getting it together. Now don't worry. Everyone over here in Ullsmithland is alive, well-fed, and seemingly happy. That I have managed to do. But, if you know me even a little, you know that's not enough to qualify for my definition of having it "together". My house is forever a mess, the laundry seems to never get done, the vaccuum is sure to be covered in cobwebs, and I AM EXHAUSTED - not tired, EXHAUSTED. I actually thought I was going to be able to do this (and do it well, I might add). I genuinely thought, after a couple of days of settling in, I'd be able to keep my house clean, keep the refridgerator well-stocked, cook dinner almost every night, play with Ana, and take care of Maddie, all while looking fabulous, of course. Ha! It's been so long since I've cleaned the toilets that I literally live in fear of what may be living in them. Milk, Pepsi, eggs, and yogurt describe the contents of our refridgerator. I've cooked once, once, since having Maddie. And a daily (quick) shower has become a luxury rather than a staple. But Ana and Maddie? I've at least been able to manage that part. I keep them clean and fed and they seem very happy (even Maddie in her adorable infant, newborn way) but it, of course, doesn't seem like enough. I'm somehow blessed with enough energy to get through the days (and nights with Miss Maddie) but come early evening I am spent. It's an exhaustion like I've never felt before. Even back in the day when I would stay up until 5 in the morning only to be at work by 7 did I not feel this tired. I'm the "energizer bunny" for God's sake! I never used to get tired! I was always the last one to leave a party and could keep up with the best of 'em.
There have been way to many nights to mention that, as I pray, I throw in a prayer for God to get me through this, to remind me why it's all worth it. And then the next day Maddie gives us her first smile, or Ana repeats the ABC's almost perfectly and I remember that that's what it's all about. I know it won't feel like this forever. I know that once I get our "routine" down I'll wonder what I ever complained about. But until then, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.