Thursday, September 13, 2007

The night that changed my life...well, kind of

It's funny that since becoming a mom almost 2 years ago I've never really felt like a mom. I mean, I have in the way I love my kids and take care of them, but never in the sense of being grown up and responsible enough to have actual children. Anthony and I often exchange disbeliefs of the fact that we're parents. Parents. Us. I usually feel like I can't possibly be old enough to have two little girls because I still feel like such a little girl myself. I get lost in this disillusion that I'm still the same girl I was 10 years ago with cute shoes and size 7 jeans. I can logically comprehend the fact that I'm not that girl but I enjoy my disillusion. I enjoy living in a world where I think, at least once in a while, I'm still that carefree, irresponsible, up-for-anything girl.

Enter the dream crusher. Saturday night. You know, the same Saturday night that used to be occupied with drinks and dancing that didn't even begin until after 10 pm. The same Saturday night that was literally NEVER spent at home. This past Saturday night was a dose of reality like I'd yet to experience. More sobering than changing my babies diapers or nursing around the clock. Saturday night I became a mom in a way I wasn't before. This was the Saturday night that I spent where only a mom could. Yep, I spent it grocery shopping.

I'd love to say this was a quick trip to pick up some milk but it wasn't. It was a full out grocery-list-in-hand kind of trip. The store was of course nearly empty, except for, you guessed it, other moms. I did spot a "young" (probably my age) couple but before I could even finish thinking "see? this isn't so bad" I realized they were just picking up some drinks and probably on their way to some cool party. I cruised the aisles marking off items from my list and ran into mom after mom, each with their trusty lists in hand. By the end of the trip I felt about 30 years older. This is what it's come to, huh? This is what moms do on a Saturday night. Hm. I guess this is what I do now on a Saturday night.

So as I handed over my coupons and paid for our groceries it hit me - I am, in every sense, a mom and a housewife. Bad? Not at all. But I do think, for my own self preservation, I'll be returning to my Tuesday afternoon trips to the Jewel and taking back my completely insane disillusions. I'm just not quite ready to give up my old self entirely. So even if it's only in my head I will continue, every once in a while, to be carefree and free of responsibility. That is, of course, until I get home.

No comments: