I came to accept a while back that guilt will perhaps always be a part of being a mom - for me anyway. While my confidence as the mom of my two little ladies grows each day, I will inevitably always wonder whether I did this good enough or whether I did that the way I should have. I get that. It's ok and I'll deal with each pang of guilt as it arrives. But today, today is different. Today I sit here a very guilt-ridden mommy.
I have officially stopped nursing my Maddie. Completely not my choice but it's happened nevertheless. Just over a month ago she began to get very fussy at most feedings, so fussy that she refused to stay on long enough for the milk to come. It became a vicious circle. She would latch on but get impatient when the milk wasn't coming and end up unlatched and very upset. The more she unlatched, the longer it would take for her to get her milk. The longer it would take, the more upset she would get. The more upset she would get, the more impatient she became. And so on, and so on, and so on.....
It was out of sheer desperation that I began giving her a bottle whenever this would happen. I knew enough to know this would affect my supply so I bought a supplement system. She hated it. I held on to 4 nursings for a few weeks but that fell to 3, then to 2, and eventually to just one. Then, our once very efficient morning nursing wasn't giving her enough. So it's all bottle now. And I feel awful about it. Did I give up too soon? Is there more I could have done to prolong nursing her?
I can honestly say I always try to do what's best for my girls and this, especially, was no exception. But that doesn't ease the guilt in thinking it may have been my mistakes that made this happen. It may have been my impatience that led us to this.
Like any mother, I want the absolute best for my baby and the knowledge that now she won't be getting it is tearing me up.