Updates, Updates, Hooray!!

Ok, so I'm not really updating JUST yet but this is the prelude to the updates ;).

'Member my Shred? I never finished. I know. I'm a loser. I got so close and gave up. Well, not so much gave up but more quit. Whatever. What really matters though it that I hit my goal! Yahoooo! More on this later (today...this week...just later).

'Member my chair? That little chair has led to some very BIG changes around this little ol' shack of ours. Cannot WAIT to blog about it!!! Complete with pictures. My whole decorating life has taken a total turn for the better in the last month thanks to some totally amazing chicks I found here on the ol' blogosphere. More on this later too!

And 'member my list??? Well, this little procrastinator-raider has been bizzzz-eeeee! Just WAIT 'til you hear how much I've gotten done. I'd love to say the list has gotten shorter but with each item/project I mark off another one seems to pop up in it's place! I'm out of control. No, really. I'm lacking total control in protecting myself (and my hubby) from the insane amount of ideas running around the noggin.

Soooo, this is all I have time for right now. Ballet class, a run to Home Depot, and a birthday party await us! But don't fret. I WILL be back!!!!

Ana Ballerina

I have been waiting for as long as I can remember for the day that I would put a tutu on my little girl and take her to a dance class. Honestly, I've been waiting forever.

So when I got a phone call last Monday letting me know that Ana had been moved from the waiting list for a ballet class to being in the class I was in Heeeaaaavennnnnn! I ran out for a leotard and the stinkin' cutest size 6 ballet slippers I'd ever seen.

I made my way home with outfit in tow and daydreamt of my little Ana and the pirouettes she was sure to master on her very first day. The moment she saw them she immediately put them on. And wore them the rest of the night. And slept in them. I loved it.

In the morning I was met by a very eager 3 year old with slippers in hand asking if it was time for her ballet class yet. AWE-SOME! But wait. Too good to be true, right? Yeah, totally what I thought. So I managed to brace myself for her to completely loathe ballet and never want to put a tutu on again.

Uh, WRONG! She LOVED IT!!!! She was smitten immediately and jumped right in and listened to the teacher's instructions and didn't look for me once and made friends and spoke up and made me cry. Yes, sir. I was the mom I always knew I would be. Cried through the entire 30 minutes. It's not like I was a blubbering mess or anything. I managed to hold it together enough to not get myself kicked out but still, these eyes were-a-cryin'. I cried cuz she seemed so grown up. I cried because she was so independent. And I cried because I saw how happy it made her.

I'm totally aware that this could be short lived, much like her soccer career, but whether it lasts for 2 weeks or 30 years I will cherish every second of it.


I've been waiting for this.

Chit Chattin' with Maddie

As I sang and sang and sang...

Maddie: "Nuff, Mommy! Enough!"

:(

A Perfect Day

All four of us together.

Shopping outside.

Having lunch outside.

Holding hands.

Listening to the girls talk to each other.

Laughing while listening to them crack each other up.

Watching the sheer joy in the girls' face as they splashed in the water.

For the first time in years talking about our dreams for the future.

It was a perfect day.

Chit Chattin' with Ana...and Maddie

Waiting for the girls to clean up their toys so we can go for a walk...

Mama: "Girls, clean up your toys now or we're not going for a walk. I mean it!"

Ana: "OK, Moooom. You just go get the stroller ready and we'll clean this up. OK? OKKK????

How old is this kid anyway???


After asking Maddie to bring me something she (finally) brings it...

Mama: "Thank you, baby."

Maddie: "Noooooo problem!"

hehehehehehehehe....

Change

I can give you a list about a mile long of things I can't stand about being in my 30's. No really, I have an actual running list: crows feet, flabby (fill in the blank), an insatiable need for sleep. It goes on and on. But do you know what I love about being in my 30's? Oh so much more than I could've imagined.

I love how much life has been teaching me about myself. I love that I can say I'm becoming the person I want to be. The path seems clearer than ever before and I love that. I'm feeling a calm and confidence about doing what I want to do, what I think is best for me and my family, and it feels good....well, most of the time.

Most of the time I feel this way.

Lately? Notsomuch.

I sit here and I want to cry as I type. I want to cry because I've spent so much of my time lately being so sad. And frustrated. And stressed over the unnecessary. I hate that I've once again let my life steer off course, surrounding myself with negativity and anxiety. Allowing other people to determine how I feel. Feeling more of an obligation to them than to myself. And it needs to stop.

So I'm makin' some changes.

I feel like I grew up this insecure, try-to-make-everyone-else-happy-first, don't-really-deserve-the-best girl. Don't get me wrong, my bag spills over with selfish moments. I've done more stupid things than there is time but overall it's always been about everyone else. It's always been about how I let everyone else make me feel. I recognized years ago the causes for so many of my actions and that helped me. It helped me better understand myself and lead me in the right direction to becoming the person I want to be. I guess that's normal though. It's normal not to really know who you are when you're younger and make a million stupid mistakes, right? Isn't that what growing up is about?

I guess.

I've always said that out of rough childhoods emerge two types of people: those that choose to continue on the same path, reasoning it's "all they've ever known", and those that, somewhere along the way, determine to change their course. I'm proud to say I'm the latter. I don't know when exactly it happened but a long time ago I decided my life was going to be different. I decided I didn't want to feel lonely, insecure, and unworthy anymore. It's been tough, and I've had setbacks, but I'm a million miles from where I came and that makes me proud. I've finally come to understand that this is not a road that will ever end but instead a journey that will take me through this life of mine. And these setbacks? Well, they're all par for the course, you see. But I'm learning that they don't have to define my life. That they won't define my life.

I want to let go of the anxiety I feel when I think someone's upset with me. I want to abandon the need to be the one that brushes things under the rug for the sake of keeping things comfortable. I want to fill my life with it's small miracles and I want to taste every moment it brings. My sweet girls deserve this. They deserve a mom that teaches them to live this very way.

So I'm done with the unnecessary. I'm done thinking that how other people act toward/around me is always a reflection on me. I'm not perfect. I'm not the perfect friend, the perfect sister, the perfect niece, or the perfect daughter. I don't send thank you cards when I should or always remember what's going on in someone else's life every moment. I can't always make time to do everything someone else wants me to do or grin and bear things that bother me. But I do my best and I always, always mean well.

I've been blessed with a handful of people that think that's more than enough and these are the people that deserve me, that deserve my time. So I'll spend my time with them because they make my life better not harder. I'll spend my time doing things I love to do, like writing and working on our house and making snow cones, and things that will make my girls' life fuller, like exploring new places and running around outside and eating those snow cones. I'm getting there. I'm on my way. And for the first time in these 32 years of mine I'm seeing my life for what it is, what it should have been all along.

Mine.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Little Miss Maddie

Oh my sweet girl.

You're two now and I don't even know where to start. In three words, you are, LARGER THAN LIFE. Everything about you is larger than life - your temper, your personality, your sense of humor, your love of everything. You throw the biggest fit over the tiniest things and you get the most excited over the simplest joys. I love that about you so. much.

I know you're mine, and this may sound biased, but I think you're the funniest 2-year-old I've ever known. You have a character that blows our minds every single day. You're mean to your sister but she's the first one you ask for every morning. You absolutely refuse to hold Mommy's hand when you walk but I can't get through making dinner without you tugging at my legs begging to be held. You love Daddy like nothing I've ever seen and scream in delight at the sight of him at the end of each day.

You're two and know exactly what you want. You push my buttons like no other 30-lb chunk of love ever has and you swell my heart even more. I love you, sweet girl. I love you like you'll never know...well, until you have a perfect little girl of your own. It's been a wild, crazy, and full two years. Thank you, baby, for choosing me to be your mom. Thank you for letting me hold your hand (figuratively of course :)) through these past two years. You're a gift to me and to our little family, Petunia, and I could never imagine our life without you.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Madelyn Grace. I love you.

xoxo,
Mama