Scared

This was our sweet girl on Monday at about 4 in the morning. After what started as a normal Sunday night, our little Maddie woke up and had a seizure.

She had been fighting what I thought was Croup for a couple of days. Anthony put her to bed on Sunday night with a runny nose, a cough, and not much more. At about 12:45 am she woke up crying and with a fever. I gave her some Tylenol, changed her diaper and sat down to rock her. As we sat there and rocked her breathing began to strain and I felt her little body start to shake. I looked at her face and my heart sank. She was unresponsive as she stared up to the ceiling. My baby girl was having a seizure.

I ran to our room and laid her on our bed as Anthony and I frantically tried to gain her attention. Her breathing stayed heavy while her body stiffened and her legs and arms shook until suddenly she looked at me. And her breathing stopped. Completely. There she lay, mouth open, staring in my eyes without a sound. As I went to put my mouth to hers she gasped and began to breathe once again. Her body relaxed and she seemed to be coming out it.

Fast forward about 15 minutes and an ambulance ride to the hospital later...

They took her temperature and said it was 104 and guessed that it had likely reached 105 or 106. The outcome of such a rapid increase in temp was a febrile seizure. A chest x-ray reveled pneumonia in her right lung. Some blood tests showed an increase in her white blood cell count. And a spinal tap showed clear fluid that ruled out anything more.

5 hours after we had arrived, just my baby and I, we were on our way home.

Those are the facts. What happened. But this event has far from left us.

This has been, by far, the hardest and scariest thing I've ever experienced as a mom. Standing there completely helpless as my little girl, my baby seized while I could do nothing more than wait. Watching her and praying for God to take her in His hands and protect her. Waiting for what seemed like a lifetime to hear her take another breath. Realizing even for a moment that she could actually NOT be OK. Standing by her side as they had to try 3 separate times to insert an IV and wiping away the endless tears that fell from her eyes. Praying for God to wrap His arms around her when I wasn't allowed to. Having to look in her eyes and try my damnedest to reassure her it would be OK. Sitting idly by while 2 nurses lay on top of her so the doctor could do a spinal tab on her tiny body. This is all that surrounded the "facts" of these 6 hours.

As much as I would love to say that I was a rock through this all I cannot. All of this was almost too much for this very weak mama to take. I felt inadequate. I feel inadequate. Like I should have handled things better. Like I should be so strong as to not cry while I sit here and type this or as to not cry each time the image of her helpless body enters my mind. I've never felt so small, so insignificant, as I did that morning. I remember thinking while all this was going on that this was out of my hands. I kept thinking that I had to trust that the Lord would keep her safe. And though I've always believed myself to be a faithful person I never thought I'd be capable of such surrender in a situation that involved the well-being of my babies. But it was in this very situation that God showed Himself to us and protected our sweet girl.

The pneumonia will be treated with some antibiotics and the seizure is, in all accounts, benign. Though her chances of having another have now increased, they don't cause any damage and she will outgrow them. It amazes me how resilient my little girl can be. When I asked the doctor after Maddie's spinal tap if she would be sore he laughed and said "Oh no. Babies are superior creatures to us adults. She won't remember or even care about this when it's over." And he was right. By the time Anthony and Ana picked us up our little fighter was happy as ever - asking for milk and saying "Hi, Daddy" about a hundred times in our 3 minute drive home. She was fine by morning and she's fine now. I, on the other hand, will just pray for my heart to heal and make me a better mama for having gotten through this.

It's funny how you think you could possibly love them anymore until...

So Sick

I've been fighting the flu all week.

I found out today that Maddie has a double ear infection.

Ana has a stomach "thing".

Anthony came home today with a cold.

Are ya kidding me?!?!?!?!?!  Sigh.

Ana, sweet Ana

Oh my Ana,

I feel the need to write you this letter because for almost two weeks now you've been breaking my heart.

Almost two weeks ago I left you for four days. An unexpected trip to the hospital led to a four-day stay and four long days away from you and your sister. If I had known when Daddy put you down for a nap that I wouldn't be here when you woke up, my baby, I would have let you know. I would have held you a little longer and kissed you a little more. I would have told you I loved you a few more times and explained to you when I'd be home again. But I didn't know, my angel, and I am so sorry for what you've been through.

We spend so much of our time together that I almost didn't recognize what time was like without you. Right at first glance I did not like it. Not. At. All. When Daddy told me that you were sad and kept saying "I miss my mommy" I knew exactly how you felt. When he said you would cry for me, I cried too.

Since I've been home you've had a such hard time going to bed at night and taking a nap during the day. It breaks my heart to think you could feel like I may not be here when you wake up. I hope that soon enough these few days will be forgotten and you won't remember a day when you woke to find me gone. I hope that you'll soon trust that I will be here when you wake up and go back to enjoying your naps and bedtime. And I hope that this feeling that I may ever leave you will vanish for good because, my sweet girl, I would never leave you. Not now. Not ever. You need to know that and I'm sorry if, even for one minute, you ever had to feel like I would.

Mommy ~ XOXO

P.s. Your sister, on the other hand, has been seemingly unphased :O).....

A Lesson in Drama

Friday night I came down with a stomach "thing" and felt like the world was ending. It carried over into Saturday and I spent the morning in bed and the rest of the day on the couch. As Anthony took care of the house, our meals, the girls, and sickly ol' me, I felt the need to continuously proclaim that I wasn't trying to be dramatic I just felt that bad.

Skip to Sunday....

Anthony woke up with said stomach "thing". He spent the entire day much like I had spent my day before and doused it with endless "I don't feeeel good"s and very weak-sounding "Can I have ____?"s.

Now on to this morning....

5:30 am. Ana wakes up calling for me. Unusual but she sounded ok. I grabbed her and brought her back to bed with me. 15 minutes later, that "thing" was sure to have gotten her too. She began to throw up (in our bed nonetheless) so I rushed her to the bathroom where we COMPLETELY missed the toilet. I began to prepare myself for a very sick and crabby girl. But instead? Instead, almost instantly after throwing up, she began to clap her little hands and yell "Clean up! I need to clean up! hehehehehe! Mommy cleaning! Wash my hands, Mommy!"

And this is the last I've heard of Ana's stomach "thing". I'd say Mommy and Daddy stand to learn a thing or two about dramatics from this little girl, wouldn't you? :)

*Update: Tuesday night brought us a very sick Maddie. It was very obviously the same "thing". But, just like her sister, she showed Mommy and Daddy up. In between throwing up we were graced with nothing but baby talk and giggles. We seriously need to rethink our pain threshold.

The Merge

So I had originally begun to post updates on the happenings of Miss Ana on her website but now that I'm all about this blog I'm going to transfer those posts here. It'll just be easier to have them all in one place, right? Right. So here are a few...

Welcome Toddlerhood - March 9, 2007
So two and a half months ago Ana made her first sentence. It was, as most of you know, "Dada, go?". And, though I firmly stand that her first sentence was at 15 months, it was her one and only since then - until now. Earlier this week Miss Ana just decided it was time to start putting words together. It began with "hi, duck" and, over the next day, turned into "bye, turtle" and "nye-nye, mama". So this is it. This is where it begins I guess. Her journey into official toddlerhood has commenced. I can't get over how proud I am of her especially when she learns something new. But I'd be fooling myself to deny that it makes me a little bit sad at the same time. This is my baby, my tiny little baby that needed me for everything just a year and a half ago. It feels like just yesterday that she needed me to be her voice and then, what seems like suddenly, she has a voice of her own. Now, don't get me wrong, these are the moments I've worked so hard for since the day we brought her home and to see her accomplish such things brings a pride beyond belief. But I guess it's the reality that from that moment you bring her home from the hospital she'll need you less and less that's bitter sweet. I know I can take comfort at least in knowing that for every moment of sadness I'll feel in the years to come as she slowly needs me that much less, the moments of pride will be so far beyond what I can imagine right now.

To "Buzz" or not to "Buzz"... - March 18, 2007
What a busy week we had! Between finally getting Ana's bathroom finished and getting thinks together for Aunt Maria's birthday party (which, by the way was a HUGE hit) who had time to learn anything, right? WRONG! Anthony and I have been working on the ABC's with Ana and today she decided she'd let us know that yes, she is catching on. So I picked up her little magnadoodle and wrote the letter "A". I showed it to her and asked "what's this?" Now, you can imagine my pride as she enthusiastically exclaimed "A!!!" What a good girl! Ok, let's try the next letter, I thought. So I wrote the letter "B" and again asked "what's this?", to which she enthusically replied "bzzzzzzzzz!!!". Now, to the naive bystander this may simply come across as an error and you may be thinking "well, she'll get it soon enough". But you'd be mistaken to think that. You see, my little girl knows what's she's talking about. She recognized what I wrote as a "B" and, being the smart girl she is, knows that bees go "bzzzzz". So I say, in the world of Ana, can't the alphabet just be "A, Bzzz, C, D...."??? I'd say so :).

And the verdict is... - March 26, 2007
Teeth.Ana is finally getting more teeth! As a mom that used to refer to her "What to Expect in the Toddler Years" book almost daily, little Ana's teething schedule sure did have me stumped. On average, a baby's first tooth appears somewhere around 7 months. Ana's? 11.5 months. On average, after that first tooth pops through, a baby will get about 2 teeth a month until their molars are ready to come in. Ana? Has a total of 6 teeth. 6. From September '05 to now she's only gotten 6. But like I said, I USED to refer to "the experts" on a daily basis and, like the Luvs commercials put it, then I got real. And, while it's fine and dandy that my peanut's teeth are on their own schedule, it does make it a little difficult to spot her signs of teething. I spent the better part of last week accusing her of having a case of the crankies (or as Anthony calls her, "crankity"). But now I know, it must have been the teeth. So, I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly apologize to my sweet pea for accusing her of being just crabby. There. It's on record.

MaNell!!! - April 7, 2007
So, as the "experts" have promised, now that Ana is 18 months old, Anthony and I have been expecting the "language explosion" to happen any day now. And though, according to her doctor and plenty of books, she is well above average in her vocabulary right now, we were still thinking she was going to start engaging us in full-blown conversations on March 30th, the exact day she turned 18 months. What? Wishful, overly positive parent thinking :)? Anyway, it didn't happen but that's ok. She did hit a huge milestone though. After months of acknowledging my parents as Nana and Papa, she finally found her word for Grandma Nell (Anthony's mom) - MaNell! It's so cute and I love it! And Anthony's mom??? She just melts when she hears it. Now we just have to work on Grandpa Gordon. That one might take a while though :).

So Sick - April 21, 2007
So we're well into week 3 of Ana feeling under the weather :(. She had a little head cold a couple of weeks ago and, according to the doc, it turned into a baby sinus infection. I've personally never had a sinus infection but from what I hear, they can make you pretty miserable. So my poor little lady was soooo crabby all this week. She's on some antibiotics and they seem to be working so, at this point, we're just keeping our fingers crossed that she'll soon be back to the sweetpea we know :).